Wordless Wednesday: The Jump Shot

NaNoWriMo and all that Jazz

Writing again is awesome!  I have my NaNo Novel underway, and with nearly 10,000 words under my belt, I'm feeling great.  The plot is around Mary-ann Shaw who ends up as a horoscope writer... who accidentally becomes really really good at it.

I have also applied to do my Masters in Creative Writing next year at Victoria University!  I don't know if I will be accepted, but I do hope so.  My application is in, and I am excited about it.  My thesis project is entitled, "Killing Jane Eyre" basically following a character in her quest to find herself in Bronte country.

Between that and discovering the joy of tumblr, I am blogging like there is no tomorrow!  Feel free to pop over and follow my tumblr blogs as well:
Explorations of a Restless and Inquiring Mind
Killing Jane Eyre

All the running and screaming!

Well, it has been literary chaos around here.  We have been script frenzy-ing, and editing Nano novels, getting them uploaded for sale on Amazon.  Exciting, but nerve wracking and very, very, very trying!

But, it is done.  "Falling Leaves" is on Amazon, as well as a few chapters on Figment.  I would love people to read on Figment and tell me what you think.  I will happily send you a free copy for a few comments.

I am a writer.... am I a writer?

Basically, it is the inner torment of my life. 

I am a writer.  When words flow from my fingertips, I feel this rush.  I feel like for the first time, I am creating something, forming something, being omnipotent (as the washing and vacuuming piles up behind me).

But, then, it all ends.  I stop writing.  Life gets in the way.  I don't know where to turn, and I end up working on the philosophy of that song, "Oh, so lovely sitting absobloominglutely still.... I would never break til spring, crept over the windowsill"....  And I do, I find myself sitting, without moving, shunning the outside world, longing to be in my virtual world of make believe, but afraid to cross the divide.

I don't know why I feel this way?  Somehow, I should KNOW that when I am writing, I am alive.  But, almost like a creepy vine, something stops me from moving ahead.  I become afraid, paralysed by it.  It takes all my strength to escape the clutches of apathy, and move forward. 

So, I have this constant struggle, a fear of failure, of not being good enough, of just not being wise, and it stops me from actually writing.  The irony is this, by not doing, I prove to myself that I am a failure, I am not good enough, and I lack wisdom. 

Today I promise myself.  I will write everyday.  No matter what.  Whether it is good, bad or indifferent.  Surely I can carve out a few minutes from my still-sitting lifestyle to write something. ;)

That eerie feeling

Well, I came home from seeing "The Hunger Games" this morning.  It was good.  But, it was not as good as the books.  The books are amazing.  They left me with a feeling that is so hard to describe, like, after finishing them, I couldn't pick up another book, talk to another person for fear of not knowing what to say.  Moved, but, something else.  The movie left me wanting quiet, to think, but not as much as the books had.

I have experienced the feeling only twice before.  The first time was when I read "Tandia" by Bryce Courtney.  It is the sequel to "The Power of One", and more amazing.  I took a whole stack of books camping that year, but after finishing "Tandia", I was mute.  I didn't speak for another day, didn't read for another week, and was changed forever.  I spent a lot of time crying at the river, much to the confusion of my dog.

The only other time it has ever happened to me was when I wrote my first novel, "Falling Leaves".  This is the bit that sounds really weird... I was so taken aback when I was writing it, not wanting to finish for the evening just because I HAD to know what was coming next.  I would burst into tears, and get really frustrated with myself because I should have known what was coming.  When the novel was finished and I had to edit it, I re-read it.  In a night.  I couldn't put it down.  Again, this annoyed me because I wrote the thing, so I shouldn't have been surprised in the re-reading.  But, I was.  When I finally decided it was done enough to share, others told me the same thing.  (However, they also may be biased).

Anyway, my complex segue is this, my book is now on Amazon, in book and Kindle format.  It is not perfect.  I know I need to re-edit it again, and there are some bits I really want to work on, but for now, I am happy with it.  When I have the courage, I will tweak it a little.  If you want to, pop over and give it a read....

"Falling Leaves" - paperback on Amazon

"Falling Leaves" - Kindle edition

And then again, today...

Well, today I realise just how much power I have over some people, and how easy it could be to abuse the power.  Actually, I think the word is trust.  Power and trust seem to me to be the same thing.

Now, I am nothing particularly amazing, but, I admit to being charismatic.  I don't really completely understand charisma, but, I usually can get people to come around to my way of thinking without really trying.... which is creepy.

I am in a position of trust, and/or power.  And in this I use my charisma for good.  I get people to do the right thing to benefit themselves.

But it would be really easy to do the wrong thing, and get people to do something to benefit me.... I could easily take advantage of others.  I can always see an end-game, and often, I see the possibilities of how things could be manipulated.  I guess having a huge IQ comes in negatively at times too, as I can see things several steps ahead.  Life is far too much like chess sometimes. 

However, I am happy to say that I err on the side of caution, and I don't ever want to manipulate someone into anything.  Well.... I don't want to hurt anyone.  I may carry on manipulating for good....

With one more sleep to go....

Preparing to go 'under-the-knife' again tomorrow, and I am some what perplexed.  I know this is a minor surgery- to remove the screws in my ankle (that were put there last year when I broke it)... but I am still nervous about it.

I hate the anesthetic.   I don't like being aware, then suddenly unaware, then waking up nauseous. 

It's the loss of time.  I know when I have been asleep about how long I have been sleeping.  Generally I know that I will be in the same place when I wake up (baring sleeping on a train).  But in hospital, that control is all gone.  I don't worry that I won't wake up, I worry that I won't understand when I do.

And then I worry about who will or won't be there.

But, my bags are packed.  I have even stowed away chocolates into my bag.  At least this time I know what is happening.  Last time I didn't, it was just an ambulance taking me away, and I was stuck with only the clothes on my back, and the forethought of my mother to bring my phone and charger. 


So there is one more sleep, then I am gone.  By this time next week, I will be hobbling my way to Tonga............

On reminiscing.

There are people I miss.  Greatly.  And today I have been thinking of them.  A lot.  But, not the specifics, just, my reactions to them I guess.  I have been remembering what it is like to feel.

Don't get me wrong.  I feel stuff.  But, like, I feel the screws in my ankle, and I feel frustrated.

What I miss is feeling connected to something larger than myself.  Something more than just being.  I want to feel like I belong as part of this world in the wider sense.  I just want to be able to touch things with my mind, feel like I connected, and left part of me behind.  To be more than just there, responding.

I remember laughing, at myself.  And touching, without judgement or second guessing.  And not thinking about what anyone looks like.

It's just so busy!

I know that it is hardly my place to say how busy things are, but, they really really are!  For some reason, 2011 has been busy, and not just for me, for everyone.

I have not come across a person who has found 2011 to be a breeze.  Why is the world so busy?  I am trying to figure it out.  Part of me thinks it all has to do with the economy, so we are all trying so hard to keep our jobs, so working really hard at them.

Either way, I look forward to winding down.

And finishing my novel.... as I am 10,000 words behind, I should sort that out!

I am really very proud of my new travel blog, "Beyond Island Hopping".
Please visit and tell me what you think.

You haven't seen the last of me....

Well, I have been sewing, watching 'Burlesque', writing and generally falling behind on my word count, BBQing sausages and having my cell phone stolen. 

It's all been busy.

Throw in holiday plans (yay), end of the year school stuff (boo), insurance details for 3 claims and sorting out travel cover, preparing to have my ankle operated on and keeping my kitchen clean, it enters the realm of the ridiculous.

Sometimes I forget where I am in the middle of it all.  I shouldn't.  All I need to do is stop, look and realise that this is all I have, so I need to make the most of it. 

At least my hair is growing out. :P

And how things are going....

It seems like so much has crammed itself into the last month.

The husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had no symptoms if cancer at all, but all the symptoms of period pains! Fortunately he was suffering from pain, or otherwise the tumor would have gone undetected for years. It was fast growing, less than 10 months old.

We were all shocked, his doctors, the proctologist and us.

On the day of his colonoscopy, he passed blood. That was the first symptom typical of colon cancer. From that morning when his 3 day old blood test results were normal, he was a cancer patient. He had afternoon tests. It came back that in the few days between tests, he was anemic. Being dark skinned, it didn't show. That was symptom 2.

We met the surgeon, a week after diagnosis. He talked us through the surgery, it was going to be keyhole and short. The tumor was 8cm in length. He was scheduled for an iron infusion and we met sundry medical professionals. Then he was in for surgery. He lost 13 kilos from diagnosis to surgery- symptom 3.

The actual surgery was nothing short of amazing. His surgeon was beyond impossible, the house surgeons keep checking his stitches and his charts saying, "but that's impossible"... They removed 60cm of colon with a 10cm tumor in it. The surgery took 4 1/2 hours. The tumor was larger than at the colonoscopy.

He has stage 3 colon cancer, as it had infected 2 of his lymph nodes. But, his surgeon is positive. He will get chemotherapy in the new year for 6 months.

It all became rather serious rather quickly.

He is recovering well, and back at work. It's almost like a bad dream, except, his togs and his pants are too loose, and he has a scar where they had to slice out the colon when the surgery ran long.

Am I worried? Yeah, I am. Will he die? I don't know.

I've never claimed to have a perfect marriage. We fight, and we have so much that we disagree on. My lack of child bearing and the inter-racial issues do make things difficult, but, i still love him, and it pains me to see him sick or in pain.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason.

Finding it is hard.

I also believe that we keep being given challenges until we learn the lesson the universe is offering. I hope to learn this one soon.

I also know that we are never tested beyond what we can bear.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Here

The last straw

Okay, I get that I am overweight. Why people can't see the injury is understandable too. I really understand all that.

And I will lose the weight eventually.

But just because I am sitting outside of the imaging section of the hospital, does not mean that I am pregnant, far from it. If you could see the inner scars, you'd know.

But this won't be the last time, and I guess I should get used to it.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Nanowrimo!

So, Nanowrimo began for us at midnight last night.

And so I began......


Watch. this. space.  :D

In the realm of all things...

Life has been a little less than wonderful of late.

There will no doubt be more on this, but the short story is cancer.  The slightly longer story is that it is my husbands.  The offshoot is fall out.  No plans, no life, no control.  Just this meaningless run of things happening all around me that I can barely keep track of.

But in the good news front, NaNoWriMo.  :D

This year I am a Municipal Liaison.  Yay!  They even made the Wairarapa a new area.  Now I have to get my wee thinking cap on for where and when to hold write-ins and stuff.  :D

 

What's in a name?

The name is cursed!  Cursed I tell you!  Why should so many suffer in the same manner?  All I can attribute it to is the name.  Perhaps I shall change mine.  But, what does one change it too?  And more importantly, who the hell am I if I do?

These 2 things...

I have these 2 memories that haunt me. One is so filled with hope, love, and desire. The other is filled with loss, separation and sadness.

The worst thing about them? They are a mere few minutes apart.

The first, I was held in his arms. I remember his scent, though, that will not be shared. I really have held his scent as almost sacred over the years. I don't think I have ever told anyone. But, it was faint, almost not there. If I had been further from him, it would have gone unnoticed. There were others nearby, but they faded into the background. All I could see was him.

Then I saw nothing, but I felt him breathing, him pull me in a little closer. At that moment, despite others, this was the one where my soul became entwined with his.

I know the moment ended. I know we parted. I know I boarded a bus. But, those details have gone.

The second memory is from the bus. It had been raining, sometime while this was all happening. The warm bodies had steamed up the windows. I found a seat, and wiped the glass clear. All I could see then was his red jacket in the mist. His left hand was in his pocket. He waved with the right.

The bus pulled away. My hand lingered on the window. He turned. My eyes welled up, and all I could see was the red jacket that I had come to love.

And that was it. The last time I saw him. Strangely, the second sad memory is made better by the first moment. We had a connection long before, and have remained friends since, but, that was a special moment we both held for all these years since.

Time has moved on, greatly. But, that was it. That was the time I knew that everything was going to be okay. That love was real, and that 2 people didn't need to share the years, or share ideals. All it takes is a moment of common understanding, where souls collide, intertwine and become one. And sometimes those moments happen when we least expect, and when parting is most certain, but perhaps that is why they are the most lasting, because we go into the moment knowing how important it may be.

So, all those years later, I still have the red jacket, the scent, and the realization that each moment can be that important.

IALYH <3


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Remembering`

His eyes are brown!

I don't remember them brown. 

I remember them blue.  Not as blue as my eyes.  But blue.

What does this mean when I can't remember the eyes I first fell in love with?  It's so confusing.  I know I have not seen him for years, but, even with life moving on in different directions, the love is still there.  Even as we both moved on to different marriages, the love remained. 

But, his eyes are brown.

My heart feels like it is being torn in two.  How can it be that I remember it wrong?  Does it mean I remember the rest wrong as well?  Maybe the love is not there anymore either?  Maybe he is not what I remember?  I just want to say to him, do you realise your eyes are brown?

Maybe I will.

I know that the whole thing makes no sense whatsoever.  But, it was a sudden burst of adrenaline, to see something that I had so forgotten.  Life has a way of removing the bad, and leaving the good.  I guess it has a way of removing the insignificant, and leaving the important as well.

And yet another....

Well.  Yes. 

It's been a hard week.  I hate hard weeks. 

Not helped with the great news of the birth and subsequent naming of children of friends of mine.  Also not helped by the miracle pregnancy and birth of twins for a comedian I once worked with.

I really feel so happy for them, but a part of me is always angry and jealous.  I try so hard to tell myself that I'm better off this way, without the worries, being able to spend my money on whatever I feel like, all that kind of thing.  But, it hurts.

Other than that, it's been just plain hard.

Great.

Tough week.

No real words.

However.... Discovered a spelling error in my blog name.  Shit.

Welcome to the Blogsphere

Hi there all....

This week my classes are all having to add a blog to their curriculum requirements.... if you are one of those magnificent people, welcome you.  And be aware that this blog is not the same me you see in class.... or maybe it is.  Sometimes the many variations of what we all are collide to create real truth.  Hopefully this is exactly what this is.  Truth.

In other news.... SCRIPT FRENZY!!!!  Tomorrow!  Yus.  I'm excited as.  :D