Sunday, August 29, 2010

Thoughts 'n' stuff

The universe is a crazy place.  Just when you think you know yourself or others, a curve ball gets thrown, and everything wobbles on its axis just a little.  The disturbance rattles gravity, and I lose my footing.


I have not always been a swimmer, but since I learnt a few years ago, I have totally come to believe that I belong in the water.  It is the one time that I feel totally free, at one with myself, and graceful.  Nothing else matters when I am swimming, it's just me, my thoughts, and the water.  Bliss.  But I can't seem to swim anymore.  Last week I kept sinking.  This week, well, I was lapped in the pool, and could only kick with one leg.  Not amusing at all.  I just wanted me back, and somehow, me is a long way from home.

This disturbance continued with crazy conversations with friends, all of which have caused me to re-evaluate how I see them.  And how I see myself.  Why would it be that I would have to sign over my entire life, body and dreams because someone else makes a decision?  That's how it felt when my husband mentioned having kids.  When I was ready, he wasn't.  Then it became apparent that this wasn't going to happen for me, so I resigned myself to my own life.  Now he wants to change everything on a whim.  I don't know how I feel about it, so I am dwelling on it.

And in smaller notes, I do not know where I stand with other so-called friends, who have literally down-graded my position with them.  I am a little confused to say the least.  To the point where it seems that I only exist to be there when no one else is.

Maybe that is my role.  To be the person one comes to in crisis.  And the rest of the time, gravity is trying to sink my battleship.

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