Sunday, December 11, 2011

With one more sleep to go....

Preparing to go 'under-the-knife' again tomorrow, and I am some what perplexed.  I know this is a minor surgery- to remove the screws in my ankle (that were put there last year when I broke it)... but I am still nervous about it.

I hate the anesthetic.   I don't like being aware, then suddenly unaware, then waking up nauseous. 

It's the loss of time.  I know when I have been asleep about how long I have been sleeping.  Generally I know that I will be in the same place when I wake up (baring sleeping on a train).  But in hospital, that control is all gone.  I don't worry that I won't wake up, I worry that I won't understand when I do.

And then I worry about who will or won't be there.

But, my bags are packed.  I have even stowed away chocolates into my bag.  At least this time I know what is happening.  Last time I didn't, it was just an ambulance taking me away, and I was stuck with only the clothes on my back, and the forethought of my mother to bring my phone and charger. 

So there is one more sleep, then I am gone.  By this time next week, I will be hobbling my way to Tonga............

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

On reminiscing.

There are people I miss.  Greatly.  And today I have been thinking of them.  A lot.  But, not the specifics, just, my reactions to them I guess.  I have been remembering what it is like to feel.

Don't get me wrong.  I feel stuff.  But, like, I feel the screws in my ankle, and I feel frustrated.

What I miss is feeling connected to something larger than myself.  Something more than just being.  I want to feel like I belong as part of this world in the wider sense.  I just want to be able to touch things with my mind, feel like I connected, and left part of me behind.  To be more than just there, responding.

I remember laughing, at myself.  And touching, without judgement or second guessing.  And not thinking about what anyone looks like.

Monday, November 14, 2011

It's just so busy!

I know that it is hardly my place to say how busy things are, but, they really really are!  For some reason, 2011 has been busy, and not just for me, for everyone.

I have not come across a person who has found 2011 to be a breeze.  Why is the world so busy?  I am trying to figure it out.  Part of me thinks it all has to do with the economy, so we are all trying so hard to keep our jobs, so working really hard at them.

Either way, I look forward to winding down.

And finishing my novel.... as I am 10,000 words behind, I should sort that out!

I am really very proud of my new travel blog, "Beyond Island Hopping".
Please visit and tell me what you think.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

You haven't seen the last of me....

Well, I have been sewing, watching 'Burlesque', writing and generally falling behind on my word count, BBQing sausages and having my cell phone stolen. 

It's all been busy.

Throw in holiday plans (yay), end of the year school stuff (boo), insurance details for 3 claims and sorting out travel cover, preparing to have my ankle operated on and keeping my kitchen clean, it enters the realm of the ridiculous.

Sometimes I forget where I am in the middle of it all.  I shouldn't.  All I need to do is stop, look and realise that this is all I have, so I need to make the most of it. 

At least my hair is growing out. :P

Friday, November 4, 2011

And how things are going....

It seems like so much has crammed itself into the last month.

The husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had no symptoms if cancer at all, but all the symptoms of period pains! Fortunately he was suffering from pain, or otherwise the tumor would have gone undetected for years. It was fast growing, less than 10 months old.

We were all shocked, his doctors, the proctologist and us.

On the day of his colonoscopy, he passed blood. That was the first symptom typical of colon cancer. From that morning when his 3 day old blood test results were normal, he was a cancer patient. He had afternoon tests. It came back that in the few days between tests, he was anemic. Being dark skinned, it didn't show. That was symptom 2.

We met the surgeon, a week after diagnosis. He talked us through the surgery, it was going to be keyhole and short. The tumor was 8cm in length. He was scheduled for an iron infusion and we met sundry medical professionals. Then he was in for surgery. He lost 13 kilos from diagnosis to surgery- symptom 3.

The actual surgery was nothing short of amazing. His surgeon was beyond impossible, the house surgeons keep checking his stitches and his charts saying, "but that's impossible"... They removed 60cm of colon with a 10cm tumor in it. The surgery took 4 1/2 hours. The tumor was larger than at the colonoscopy.

He has stage 3 colon cancer, as it had infected 2 of his lymph nodes. But, his surgeon is positive. He will get chemotherapy in the new year for 6 months.

It all became rather serious rather quickly.

He is recovering well, and back at work. It's almost like a bad dream, except, his togs and his pants are too loose, and he has a scar where they had to slice out the colon when the surgery ran long.

Am I worried? Yeah, I am. Will he die? I don't know.

I've never claimed to have a perfect marriage. We fight, and we have so much that we disagree on. My lack of child bearing and the inter-racial issues do make things difficult, but, i still love him, and it pains me to see him sick or in pain.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason.

Finding it is hard.

I also believe that we keep being given challenges until we learn the lesson the universe is offering. I hope to learn this one soon.

I also know that we are never tested beyond what we can bear.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The last straw

Okay, I get that I am overweight. Why people can't see the injury is understandable too. I really understand all that.

And I will lose the weight eventually.

But just because I am sitting outside of the imaging section of the hospital, does not mean that I am pregnant, far from it. If you could see the inner scars, you'd know.

But this won't be the last time, and I guess I should get used to it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, October 31, 2011


So, Nanowrimo began for us at midnight last night.

And so I began......

Watch. this. space.  :D

Saturday, October 1, 2011

In the realm of all things...

Life has been a little less than wonderful of late.

There will no doubt be more on this, but the short story is cancer.  The slightly longer story is that it is my husbands.  The offshoot is fall out.  No plans, no life, no control.  Just this meaningless run of things happening all around me that I can barely keep track of.

But in the good news front, NaNoWriMo.  :D

This year I am a Municipal Liaison.  Yay!  They even made the Wairarapa a new area.  Now I have to get my wee thinking cap on for where and when to hold write-ins and stuff.  :D


Sunday, August 28, 2011

What's in a name?

The name is cursed!  Cursed I tell you!  Why should so many suffer in the same manner?  All I can attribute it to is the name.  Perhaps I shall change mine.  But, what does one change it too?  And more importantly, who the hell am I if I do?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

These 2 things...

I have these 2 memories that haunt me. One is so filled with hope, love, and desire. The other is filled with loss, separation and sadness.

The worst thing about them? They are a mere few minutes apart.

The first, I was held in his arms. I remember his scent, though, that will not be shared. I really have held his scent as almost sacred over the years. I don't think I have ever told anyone. But, it was faint, almost not there. If I had been further from him, it would have gone unnoticed. There were others nearby, but they faded into the background. All I could see was him.

Then I saw nothing, but I felt him breathing, him pull me in a little closer. At that moment, despite others, this was the one where my soul became entwined with his.

I know the moment ended. I know we parted. I know I boarded a bus. But, those details have gone.

The second memory is from the bus. It had been raining, sometime while this was all happening. The warm bodies had steamed up the windows. I found a seat, and wiped the glass clear. All I could see then was his red jacket in the mist. His left hand was in his pocket. He waved with the right.

The bus pulled away. My hand lingered on the window. He turned. My eyes welled up, and all I could see was the red jacket that I had come to love.

And that was it. The last time I saw him. Strangely, the second sad memory is made better by the first moment. We had a connection long before, and have remained friends since, but, that was a special moment we both held for all these years since.

Time has moved on, greatly. But, that was it. That was the time I knew that everything was going to be okay. That love was real, and that 2 people didn't need to share the years, or share ideals. All it takes is a moment of common understanding, where souls collide, intertwine and become one. And sometimes those moments happen when we least expect, and when parting is most certain, but perhaps that is why they are the most lasting, because we go into the moment knowing how important it may be.

So, all those years later, I still have the red jacket, the scent, and the realization that each moment can be that important.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


His eyes are brown!

I don't remember them brown. 

I remember them blue.  Not as blue as my eyes.  But blue.

What does this mean when I can't remember the eyes I first fell in love with?  It's so confusing.  I know I have not seen him for years, but, even with life moving on in different directions, the love is still there.  Even as we both moved on to different marriages, the love remained. 

But, his eyes are brown.

My heart feels like it is being torn in two.  How can it be that I remember it wrong?  Does it mean I remember the rest wrong as well?  Maybe the love is not there anymore either?  Maybe he is not what I remember?  I just want to say to him, do you realise your eyes are brown?

Maybe I will.

I know that the whole thing makes no sense whatsoever.  But, it was a sudden burst of adrenaline, to see something that I had so forgotten.  Life has a way of removing the bad, and leaving the good.  I guess it has a way of removing the insignificant, and leaving the important as well.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

And yet another....

Well.  Yes. 

It's been a hard week.  I hate hard weeks. 

Not helped with the great news of the birth and subsequent naming of children of friends of mine.  Also not helped by the miracle pregnancy and birth of twins for a comedian I once worked with.

I really feel so happy for them, but a part of me is always angry and jealous.  I try so hard to tell myself that I'm better off this way, without the worries, being able to spend my money on whatever I feel like, all that kind of thing.  But, it hurts.

Other than that, it's been just plain hard.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Tough week.

No real words.

However.... Discovered a spelling error in my blog name.  Shit.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Welcome to the Blogsphere

Hi there all....

This week my classes are all having to add a blog to their curriculum requirements.... if you are one of those magnificent people, welcome you.  And be aware that this blog is not the same me you see in class.... or maybe it is.  Sometimes the many variations of what we all are collide to create real truth.  Hopefully this is exactly what this is.  Truth.

In other news.... SCRIPT FRENZY!!!!  Tomorrow!  Yus.  I'm excited as.  :D

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A catch up....

So much has happened....

The Governor General visited our school, which was a terrific honour.   He came to my class... and his security guys were probably concerned about all the balls and spinning plates in the room!

And then there was the Juggling Convention, which was totally wonderful.  I can't wait until next year!

I met so many amazing people, and had a really good time.  I even relaxed, rather than stressed about things.  It was wonderful.  I will be back every year... that they let me anyway.

But the earthquakes, tsunami and nuclear threat have had me pre-occupied.

April is Script Frenzy, so that will rock.  And then my hair will be shaved off for cancer research if Blair Lyster raises $1750.... which I am nervous but excited about.  I'll throw in the link to support him.  All the money goes towards blood cancer research, which is great.  At least this way I feel like I am doing my bit to support a cause close to my heart.  My mother is a cancer survivor (for the time being) and my mentor currently is undergoing radiation treatment for cancer.  So, I do actually hope to loose my hair!

So, I'll throw in some images from the Juggling convention, just to keep the masses at bay.  :D  Peace.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Quick update

I'm still addicted to following the Christchurch Earthquake. 

In other news, Script Frenzy starts in April, and I have a protagonist.  :D

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A Surreal Moment in Time

I was going to blog about the Juggling Convention, or the Governor General.

Instead, there is the Earthquake.

I don't know how I feel about it.  Watching it on the TV is bizarre.  It doesn't look like the Christchurch I know and love.  It seems more like a war zone, or someplace foreign and removed.  But then I get a shock, the Cathedral, the place I bought bagels in the morning, a College I played against.  It all seems closer, more intimate, and scary.

It could have just as easily have happened right here.

With 65 confirmed deaths, and an expected death toll of between 200-400 people, I don't know how a nation rebuilds.  The last earthquake left the people more broken than the city.  If the people can survive this, they are amazing.

In some sort of karmic synergy, the Flower Show is meant to be next weekend, so the marquees are set up presently, and being used as temporary shelters, as well as some Civil Defense groups on a training mission in Christchurch, and a team of Doctors from Melbourne were at a conference in the center of the city.  Those small wonders will save so many people.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Brief Update

Well, this is a busy time, but I think all times are busy really....

School is back on in full force, and part of me is loving it.  The other part of me is frantically trying to catch up with all the paperwork!

On Thursday, I'm off with a fantastic group of 12 kids to the New Zealand Juggling Championships and Convention in Levin.  We are teaching, learning, performing, watching, camping and running backstage stuff for the professional show, Cirque du Otaki.  It will be wonderful.  The best part is the camping methinks, we will be hanging with Circus-folk in tents!  Yay!

When that is all done and dusted, there will be planning for the History trip to the Bay of Islands, what I consider to be my spiritual homeland.  Following that, there will be *hopefully* the trip to South East Asia, and all going according to my desires, selection to travel as an exchange teacher to China.

However, April is Script Frenzy, and I want to get my classes, and myself, sorted out to conquer the challenge of a 100 page script by the end of the month!  Yay.  One does like challenge......

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Hats and Stuff....

Hey there loyal and long-suffering blog readers!

I've been knitting up a storm, all in a vain attempt to secure funds to study in Peru.  I know this is a HUGE pipe dream, but at least this way it feels like I am doing something productive towards my goal.

Anywho, on the side is the link to my Etsy store.

I thought I would give you all the opportunity to use a special discount code for following this blog, which has been neglected of late.  If you want to order a hat, or set of ears, or even a custom made hat, the following code will give you a 10% discount on the list price!  Whoop!  I know, exciting stuff.

This code will be active for all of February only, then will be discontinued.

The code is: ireadyou

Enjoy.  :D

Child's Cupcake Beanie

Adults Viking Helmet Beanie

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

So much going on!

Well, with school starting up this week, EEEP!  It has been a busy, busy time.

But, there is news.

Or is that there are news?

Who cares... I have news!

I opened an Etsy store.  So many people have been asking about my hats, and while I have been happily making them for friends and family (whether they want them or not) and I shall continue to do so, I thought I could open a store that I could use as fund-raising for Peru.

Why Peru?

I know right, odd.  Well, I wrote a novel.  And to write the sequel I need to be fluent in Spanish.  Personally, heading to Spain would be a brilliant move, but, that is more expensive from my side of the globe, and I kind of want to save that trip for after my novel gets published.  (If you are a publisher or literary agent, seriously, I would love to have a chat sometime).

So, Peru.  I've signed up for a Spanish course this year, which will be tough.  But, there is a great chance to head to a language school in Peru for a few weeks later in the year.  Still, I need three grand.  Do I think I will sell that much in hats?  Nope.  But, any hat sale helps in the goal really.

Head over to my new Etsy store to check out my one listing.  I shall add more shortly :D

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A day at the coast

Yesterday we were meant to be heading to an airshow.  I'm stoked that with the weather, we decided not to.  We have been in the past, and the planes are pretty much the same every year.  However, the day was not wasted.  We headed out to the South Wairarapa coastline.

We drove to Cape Palliser, where we climbed the 252 steps to the top of the lighthouse.  Talk about steep!  But the view was more than worth it.

Then we headed down to the beach, and collected some kelp for the garden.  There is something so entrancing about watching the ocean.

Then we went to my favourite place in the area- the Fur Seal Colony.  It is so cool that there are still places where we can pull up the car and just be with wild animals in their environment.  The seals kind of just take us in their stride.  They certainly move when you get to close, and they bark if you push your luck, but they are peaceful and wonderful to watch.  They seem to show off for the camera.

Then it was time for dinner, and the Lake Ferry Hotel it is.  Not hot on class or sophistication, what they have is fresh produce served, cooked well, and a laid back atmosphere.  I'm hooked. 

Tragically, I don't go to the coast as often as I would like.  I often head to Lake Wairarapa to read or write, or into the Tararua Ranges, but the coast gets left off.  I think maybe it is to keep the experience special, as something to share and enjoy.  Either way, I love the coast.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Centus Saturday - The Lottery Ticket

The lottery ticket sat before me.  Seven, twenty five, thirty one, twelve, eighteen, thirty seven, nine.  Another week, another set of losing numbers.

(25 words max.  Starter:  The lottery ticket)

N is for...

I was going to just not write this letter, as only one thing came to mind.

But to those of you who know me well, they know that N is for No Kids.

I don't have any children.  I wish more than anything that I did.  Most of the time.  My sister has 2 adorable babies, and I have none.  We just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.  I have watched my best friends get married, have children and grow up, and part of me feels so left behind.

True, I have my students.  I have my puppies.

But I have always wanted to have a large family.  As time goes by, I realise that this is not going to be my lot in life.  I have come to terms with it, for myself.  But, every time I find out that someone around me is expecting, I get a little sad.

One day I may be able to adopt.  Which I think has always been my real dream behind the large family dream.  Until then, I shall have to just be happy with what I have.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Another resolution

I have been doing a lot of thinking about travel.

This year I am going to get really organised and apply for the AFS Teacher exchange to Asia.  My choices of country to visit would be as follows:
1.  China - to see the Beijing Opera and diabolo stuff
2.  Vietnam - to see the legendary water puppetry
3.  Indonesia - to see their shadow puppets

Yes, the Drama teacher in me comes out.  Narrowing the list down to 3 was hard!  I still feel like I want to put Japan in the list, Kabuki theatre and all that.  Sigh.  So many options.  But, as the award is an all-expenses paid trip, the selection process is tough, and I cannot get my hopes up for selection.  But, I am mega keen.  :D

I also have been looking at the STA experience travels, and I think I would like to participate in one of their language immersion trips.  They do one to Cuzco to learn Spanish.  I figured out it would cost about $3000 for flights and the course, so once I sort myself out, I may have to start saving.  I have always wanted to live overseas and to learn another language, so this one has been excited to say the least.  I'd even get to stay with a family in their home, which would be so wonderful.

But, the realities of life must take over for now.  I have goals to achieve, and the Cuzco trip can only be a reward if I manage the others.  But it is exciting to think about. :D

M is for my Mother

M is for my mother.

Tom, the marine biologist, shows my mother and I how to feed the stingrays

Basically, in short, (as she is) my mother is one of the strongest people I know.  She annoys me, oh yes.  But, I admire her a great deal.  She has undergone radical cancer treatment, including radiation, chemo, ongoing drugs, breast removal, lymph removal and all that stuff.  However, she has never complained.  In fact, when she was first diagnosed she said, "Well, rather me than someone else.  1 in 3 gets cancer, who would you rather it be, me, Juanita or Katrina?  (My sister and I)  I've had a good quality of life, and this is okay".  And she dealt with it.

She even helps my sister with her 2 kids, me with my broken ankle recently, both of them giving up way too much time to make costumes for my school production recently.   And she doesn't stop.

Last week we went to Auckland, to go swimming with stingrays.

My mother doesn't swim.

But, she got in the water, hand-fed these 200 kilo beasts, and felt better for it.

She has guts of steel, that woman.  And so I dedicate this M for my Mother.

Jenny Matlock

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Watching a bride and groom doing their last minute planning, I got to thinking. I have long thought that weddings are odd. There's all the happy people smiling for no reason, pointless expense and in the background, people hoping it will all last.

As a married woman this seems odd, right? I'd rather not be married myself. There's too much involved and the rules do change. I love my husband, even if I want to push him off a cliff sometimes, but that love wouldn't disappear if the piece of paper didn't exist. I often want a divorce just to prove that I am still my own person and I decide who I want to be with.

If I was to do it over, I wouldn't be getting married at all. I don't see the point anymore. Not that I really saw the point back then either. My wedding day was anything but great. People all wanted something from me that I didn't want to offer. So much for it being my special day, it was a day for other people. I don't look back fondly at all.

But, I don't believe in looking back anyway. I believe in looking forward and planning ahead, which is why I guess people do get married. To those in white dresses this weekend, make the most of your future. To those not marrying this weekend, the world looks just as fondly on you.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Dogs on Thursday

Above:  The 2 beagle toys we bought on a recent trip to New Caledonia to substitute for the 2 at the bottom.
Below:  Rosie and Spice guarding the door.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Wordless Wednesday - Butterflies

It may be wordless Wednesday, but this one needs words.... :D 
Sailing up to the small Pacific Island of Lifou, about a thousand butterflies flew over the ship and gathered around the radar.  Beautiful and haunting and such an occasion to render me speechless.