Thursday, September 30, 2010


Well, today I feel empty.

It has been a productive day, with painting and baking and making a beautiful array of salads (yes, an array!).... but I feel empty.

My friends have children.  My sister has children.  My ex-students have children.  I do not. 

I feel barren, empty and worthless. 

It's funny, because there are things about kids I love, and plenty of reasons to be thankful that I don't have any.  But it makes me feel so much like a plastic bag in the wind because I can't have any.  I'm gutted about it.  Who makes the decision for me?  So much for pro-choice.  Pa! 

I don't know.  Heck, maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I have other plans.  Maybe teaching would not be in my scope of possibility if I had kids?  Maybe if I did have children, I would have like 3, maybe 4 at most, but this way I can reach more people?  Maybe I am being punished for selfishness in the past by not being allowed to have children?  I don't know.  Maybe one day I will have a clue?

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