Something isn't right with the world

There is something really really wrong.

I can't put my finger on it, but something is wrong.  It feels like the whole world is about to come crashing in upon me.  And there is nothing I can do about it.

I may yet have caused the sky to fall, who knows.  I hope it is just caffeine overload.

It happened again

I dreamt I was pregnant. Specifically 6 weeks pregnant. It was bizzarre. I came to terms with the changes in my life.

Then I awoke.

And realised.

I feel so empty.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wordless Wednesday - All in a day's work

Just a couple of things

NaNoWriMo.  2692 words thus far.  Story, well, crap.  But I will get this story out if it kills me.  I think this story has been with me since before.... before.... ever... it has to come out.  Stupid story.  I think it is a love story.  It might not be yet.  I'm not sure.

May've got a friend into it too.  That will be awesome.

And I want to learn Italian.  No biggie there.  I have a new Italian.  And now I want to speak it.  Maybe I will.  Maybe I will learn the language and run away to Italy.  Or not.  Who knows?

But I'm off to sleep now.  Sleep indeed.  I may try to finish the novel before the end of the month.  We shall see.  Then I might have to write a new one on holiday in december.

Nanowrimo

Well.....

I signed up for it.  And now, starting tomorrow, I will write a novel in 30 days.  What?  Really?

Crazy.....

But why the heck not.

I do not plan to plan or think or do anything but churn out the worst novel ever written.  Period.  Oh yes.
That is the plan.

Sorta.

I'm kinda excited.  Kinda nervous.  And I don't want to fail.  But 50,000 words is a lot.  Even for me.

But I shall keep you posted.

Wordless Wednesday

Venting....

So, this is my vent-blog.  Okay.  I'm down with that.

Okay.  So, I try to do my job.  And everyone else's jobs.  And try to make the show the best show we have had for years and years.  What thanks do I get?  Well.... none.  Just stress and hate and a lack of understanding and tears.

I don't think I'm capable enough to do this well. 

Or I don't think I'm capable of being the object of hatred that others see in me.

I don't like the tears.  My skin is not thick.  My heart is not frozen.  My soul is not strong enough.  I end up just sitting here, thinking of a metaphorical cliff that I can send myself off of.  And trying to find a way to make the others understand why the things were the way they were.

And try to remember that sticks and stones may break my bones....

I'm happy for you... Really

There's that scene in "Julie and Julia" where Julia gets the letter from her sister, saying she is pregnant. Then she cries.

I get that.

And I hate it.

When I find out an old friend is pregnant or had a baby, I cry and get mad and angry. I'm happy for them. But disappointed with the universe for letting me down.

I may never have children. And given my increasing age, I should stop wanting them, as risks to their health increase.

But logic doesn't heal a broken heart.

And now, I am a published freelance writer

Yes, the world of published internet writing guru is mine.

Or at least, one step to world domination is here.

Follow the link to my article.... ha!  Yes. I am proud.

All aboard the Pacific Sun

And I have a new job!

Well..... yes.  I applied for a job..... and I got it.  Oddly enough....

I am now officially a free-lance writer.

Can I be a free-lance writer officially without earning anything yet?  Who knows.  I think I can be anyway.  So, I am a writer............ well......... I was a writer before.  And I have been published, so that is enough to say I have been paid in the past for my words on paper. :D

But this is all new.

I had to submit my resume.  I did that.  And then some samples of my writing.  Being lazy, I submitted my writings that are still available online.  Yay!  And then I got the email back saying I had been accepted. 

This is cool. 

I have the possibility of being paid for doing just what I am doing right here, right now.  :D  Only, I have to watch my grammar and spelling.  Here, well, here I can put in smilies and stuff and use too many ands in a sentence and start on a conjunction!  Whoop!  (I live on the wild side)

So, I wrote an article about a cruise ship I traveled on recently..... I hope it gets accepted.  Then I can feel cool.  Yes.  Cool.  Soon I shall write an article on Fiji perhaps, I loved Fiji.... and Vanuatu.... and possibly Norfolk Island.  Then I shall review the cruise ship I'm going on in December.  And I shall review New Caledonia.... good lord!  I think I'm a travel writer!  Shit.  I may have to start traveling widely!

But..........  What the hell do I want to write about on the regular?  God knows!  I certainly don't.  But I shall see what I can do.

Wordless Wednesday - a garden walk

Ouch

Well... I have some bad stomach cramps.... and yes.... I am venting about it on the internet.  Nothing good comes from stomach cramps..... ever.  I don't know who understands out there, but when you can't walk for the pain, and you can't think straight.... and then the vomiting starts, well..... nothing good anywho.

I hate and loathe and detest it.

Grrrrrr.

But I keep telling myself I will get through it.

Then they start showing malnourished babies on the tv.  And I can't think about myself.  And somehow through the pain, there is some need to carry on, and find a way through.  I may have issues, but nothing that will kill me today.

Wordless Wednesday - Knackered

I have a problem....

Actually.... several.

But the most pressing one is about blogs..... I have become addicted to blogging, reading blogs, looking for blogs, commenting on blogs.... ARGH!

I may have lost my mind completely.  But it did get me out of painting the spare room.... or sewing more costumes.  Both are things that REALLY needed to be done.  Poos.

On that note, I should get back to sewing some large bows.

Ponderings

Well, today I feel empty.

It has been a productive day, with painting and baking and making a beautiful array of salads (yes, an array!).... but I feel empty.

My friends have children.  My sister has children.  My ex-students have children.  I do not. 

I feel barren, empty and worthless. 

It's funny, because there are things about kids I love, and plenty of reasons to be thankful that I don't have any.  But it makes me feel so much like a plastic bag in the wind because I can't have any.  I'm gutted about it.  Who makes the decision for me?  So much for pro-choice.  Pa! 


I don't know.  Heck, maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I have other plans.  Maybe teaching would not be in my scope of possibility if I had kids?  Maybe if I did have children, I would have like 3, maybe 4 at most, but this way I can reach more people?  Maybe I am being punished for selfishness in the past by not being allowed to have children?  I don't know.  Maybe one day I will have a clue?

Win a trip to Hong Kong

This has to be a good thing. Right?

Nargleface

Well, I am once again avoiding doing what needs to be done by writing.  At least I like writing... though... laptops HAVE to be destroying my wrists..... this is an unnatural and uncomfortable way to type.  But my bum is comfortable on the sofa, so that is the main thing.

I am going snorkeling!  My new kit arrived the other day, and I did the dishes while wearing it (hardly a big deal as I dressed as Dorothy to mow the lawns, often do naked vacuuming, or pirate themed dusting).  My neighbours deserve a medal for bravery.  So, back to the snorkeling.  To succeed at this I need to be able to swim again.  I have now stopped sinking to the bottom of the pool, so that is great.  But it still hurts and results in my poor ankle swelling up like the wave in "A perfect storm".  (See what I did there.... yep... bad punning!)  Hopefully I will be back to full, or better than full, function in December.  Yes.... tropical waters, tropical fish, and a nice backtan await.  This is one of the true joys of having an underwater camera..... photographing the little fishies......

Snorkeling in Vanuatu earlier this year... my first time snorkeling!

One of my fishy friends whom I played "Jaws" with.... and he nibbled on my toe.

Other than that, I personally am saving Amazon and Juggleart from the recession, and have just spent FAR too much on a hobby that I suck at.... juggling.  However, I enjoy it, and will be at the NZ juggling convention next year.  Yippee!

So, back to work I go.  No more procrastination here......

Thoughts 'n' stuff

The universe is a crazy place.  Just when you think you know yourself or others, a curve ball gets thrown, and everything wobbles on its axis just a little.  The disturbance rattles gravity, and I lose my footing.

Crazy.

I have not always been a swimmer, but since I learnt a few years ago, I have totally come to believe that I belong in the water.  It is the one time that I feel totally free, at one with myself, and graceful.  Nothing else matters when I am swimming, it's just me, my thoughts, and the water.  Bliss.  But I can't seem to swim anymore.  Last week I kept sinking.  This week, well, I was lapped in the pool, and could only kick with one leg.  Not amusing at all.  I just wanted me back, and somehow, me is a long way from home.

This disturbance continued with crazy conversations with friends, all of which have caused me to re-evaluate how I see them.  And how I see myself.  Why would it be that I would have to sign over my entire life, body and dreams because someone else makes a decision?  That's how it felt when my husband mentioned having kids.  When I was ready, he wasn't.  Then it became apparent that this wasn't going to happen for me, so I resigned myself to my own life.  Now he wants to change everything on a whim.  I don't know how I feel about it, so I am dwelling on it.

And in smaller notes, I do not know where I stand with other so-called friends, who have literally down-graded my position with them.  I am a little confused to say the least.  To the point where it seems that I only exist to be there when no one else is.

Maybe that is my role.  To be the person one comes to in crisis.  And the rest of the time, gravity is trying to sink my battleship.

The busy life

Well, life certainly has been busy if nothing else.  Getting back into the full swing of work has been crazy-hard, much more than I would have expected.  I still want to get my old life back, and I am clawing it back slowly, but it is certainly hard yakka.  The foot is still sore, but I am trying not to let it get me down.

And that is pretty much it.  I am trying to get back into the swing of working for a living!  Tragical really.  Have not played the ukulele or walked the dogs, but all good things come to those who wait I believe, so this is to be hoped for.

Hello interneters

I was blogging not that long ago, and realised something rather amazing.  I write a lot.  And what I write is all about what I do.... not necessarily something that I feel like writing.  So, the genius moment came as my fever broke this afternoon, start another blog!  The internet is large enough for another blog on the market.... and why not make it about whatever I feel like writing about.  This will no doubt change and mutate over time.

So, who am I? (And more importantly, who cares?)

I am technically a teacher, a published author and poet, performer, musician, dreamer and room-messy-er from way back when.  I have beagles.... one of them is watching my type this.... and freaking me out more than a little.  The other one is having an epic battle of the minds with me, as she is determined to be the pack leader.... but I saw the Dog Whisperer on Oprah.... he had the shirt with Pack Leader on it.  I am the pack leader.... and she shall conform to my will.... or something.  Maybe.  Battle of the wills none-the-less.

I have a podcast with my buddy Rickus.... "Barely Bodacious: Finally Full Frontal".... and after 3 episodes, we have hit our stride.... ranting about stuff and generally going on about things that are important to us.  It brings back all the good times in University Radio.... I'll throw in a link in case you wish to listen to the awesome that is us.

http://barelybodacious.podbean.com/

I have also recently broken my ankle... good times.  Had surgery for the first time.  And I got myself an epic scar, 8 screws and a piece of titanium.  I met some great ladies in the hospital, Janet and Lorna (Both in their 90's, so I felt particularly young and virile in their presence).  Between the 3 of us we had the party room, and flirted with the surgeons.  On one night, the nurses gave us all these opiate pain-killers (we were in the orthopedic ward).... and we chatted to all sorts of people.  I had an argument with my trainer and a unicorn... neither of which were present at 3 in the morning!  Following breakfast the 3 of us were very quiet, and felt the world was spinning very very slowly.  Maybe I should blog about the other experiences with hospital?  Maybe.  Either way, the 2 lovely ladies taught me a lot about people, life, living, laughing and seeing the bright side.  It was kinda a shame to leave the hospital.

So this will be the first of many blogs.... all on subjects that may differ completely.... but we shall indeed see.  Maybe some pictures would be nice to round this thing off.

Blair and I..... I'm the one with the thumb

My beagles- Spice is the ginger one, Rosie is the black one.